07-03-2015, 06:56 AM
Hi, Alex, for me this started with a bang but then fell apart.
L1:"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day" is lovely and a strong image but then I'm not sure why evening (?) lowers the canal, tides?. Ok if that's correct I got there. "by its waterside" seem to hang there, I might prefer it dropped down.
L2: It might be clearer with "with its" after rooftop, but again you start with a strong image, but then Mansard being capitalized confuses me and I never do get my footing again.
L3: Huh? I'm lost.
So in summary, there's plenty to like but it doesn't get me anywhere. Hope this helps.
L1:"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day" is lovely and a strong image but then I'm not sure why evening (?) lowers the canal, tides?. Ok if that's correct I got there. "by its waterside" seem to hang there, I might prefer it dropped down.
L2: It might be clearer with "with its" after rooftop, but again you start with a strong image, but then Mansard being capitalized confuses me and I never do get my footing again.
L3: Huh? I'm lost.
So in summary, there's plenty to like but it doesn't get me anywhere. Hope this helps.
(07-03-2015, 02:26 AM)Alexearth Wrote: Hey there,
This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-
"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."
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