07-02-2015, 09:04 PM
Evening warmth slips over your face like the use of "slip" here, but compared to the rest of the poem the imagery in L1 & L2 isn't too strong
as you turn toward the sun.
Out of many on the rocky shore "out of many" is clunky- maybe go a bit more in depth on the people dotting the rocky shore? as a bad example, "of the silhouettes standing on the rocky shore"- also, why do you capitalize Out here?
you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything
so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt
or still wet from your swim; I'd avoid overuse of "your" in a poem like this- to establish a clearer setting, maybe "from the ocean" instead of "from your swim"? but then of course, the rhyme would be off.
never such carefulness between
gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step in line
through a gliding cotton foam. good imagery and rhythm for the last few lines, but what's the purpose here? I'd advocate the use of a bit more metaphor or figurative language, instead of simply describing what "You" looks like standing on the rocky shore after a swim in the ocean (or at least, that's where I assume this poem is taking place, but the usage of "salt" seems to denote ocean).
Your eyes almost return starting the stanza with the pronoun "Your"... I suppose it drives home the theme of the poem, however.
to the step you had in mind,
but hang in space for a moment before
buoyantly rising to mine. the strongest part of the poem, in my opinion- the last two lines. "Buoyantly" establishes a clearer tone and the imagery is sharp.
I've never felt such fondness fondness? a stronger word could be used here- this line dangerously borders emptiness.
as in seeing your half-wet figure is "as" necessary here?
forget
about adventure.to me, "forget about adventure" is unclear- I can't really infer any meaning from these two lines. Also, is the line break at "forget" just to keep the rhyme scheme going? the single word seems out of place with the rest of the line breaks.
Final thoughts: for a poem about a single person, the slant rhyming is subtly done and doesn't feel forced. I like how the second stanza gave a bit more meaning to the poem overall, but I think the title could be stronger and a little less clichéd. Also, in the strongest parts of this poem, the use of the pronoun "you" or "your" is limited. Too much of that quickly becomes repetitious and jarring. I think the first few lines L1-L5 could be stronger in terms of creative vocabulary, but that's my personal preference- same with the last four lines. But overall, a very solid poem. Pleasure to read. Do take my words with a grain of salt, though (a lot of grains, actually. a whole teaspoon would be better).
as you turn toward the sun.
Out of many on the rocky shore "out of many" is clunky- maybe go a bit more in depth on the people dotting the rocky shore? as a bad example, "of the silhouettes standing on the rocky shore"- also, why do you capitalize Out here?
you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything
so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt
or still wet from your swim; I'd avoid overuse of "your" in a poem like this- to establish a clearer setting, maybe "from the ocean" instead of "from your swim"? but then of course, the rhyme would be off.
never such carefulness between
gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step in line
through a gliding cotton foam. good imagery and rhythm for the last few lines, but what's the purpose here? I'd advocate the use of a bit more metaphor or figurative language, instead of simply describing what "You" looks like standing on the rocky shore after a swim in the ocean (or at least, that's where I assume this poem is taking place, but the usage of "salt" seems to denote ocean).
Your eyes almost return starting the stanza with the pronoun "Your"... I suppose it drives home the theme of the poem, however.
to the step you had in mind,
but hang in space for a moment before
buoyantly rising to mine. the strongest part of the poem, in my opinion- the last two lines. "Buoyantly" establishes a clearer tone and the imagery is sharp.
I've never felt such fondness fondness? a stronger word could be used here- this line dangerously borders emptiness.
as in seeing your half-wet figure is "as" necessary here?
forget
about adventure.to me, "forget about adventure" is unclear- I can't really infer any meaning from these two lines. Also, is the line break at "forget" just to keep the rhyme scheme going? the single word seems out of place with the rest of the line breaks.
Final thoughts: for a poem about a single person, the slant rhyming is subtly done and doesn't feel forced. I like how the second stanza gave a bit more meaning to the poem overall, but I think the title could be stronger and a little less clichéd. Also, in the strongest parts of this poem, the use of the pronoun "you" or "your" is limited. Too much of that quickly becomes repetitious and jarring. I think the first few lines L1-L5 could be stronger in terms of creative vocabulary, but that's my personal preference- same with the last four lines. But overall, a very solid poem. Pleasure to read. Do take my words with a grain of salt, though (a lot of grains, actually. a whole teaspoon would be better).
like you've been shot (bang bang bang)