Evolution

[ellajam]

Hi, Tom, a fun read that belies the heavy subject. I'm taking this to describe the industrial age but I may be all wrong. It's a rhyme scheme that made me think of classic adventures but the issue is in fact the heart of the current age so it seemed a bit odd to me. Anyway, some notes below.

I watched a thousand men a'marching up a green and gentle hill. I'd prefer "go marching" to "a'marching", it just seems old fashioned.
In line they followed one another, silently with single will. You might consider "silent with a single will."
To his chest the leader clutched an orb of silver, blue and brown; I don't know the meaning of the colors and google will not help me.
and from his eyes  black smoke plumed upwards, from his belly tar poured down.

Upon the summit rain was falling, scalding steam burst from the ground,
when through the foment came a roar and all below froze with the sound.
From fuming smog a hand rose trembling, grasped around the glinting sphere,
and with a lunge the arm flung forward, from the ranks a mighty cheer.

Arching through the swirling vapours, falling, falling through the gloom, I think you could make better use of the foot than the first falling.
the globe was caught by  grabbing hands as gravity holds tight the moon.
A new man held the prize close to him, struggling to attain the peak In the first half of this line the meter trips me.
when from his mouth came soot and sparks. He could not cry, he  could not speak.

I watched for what seemed like a lifetime. Again the throw, again the cheer;
the curving toss into the darkness filled me each time with fateful fear.
The hands that held, the struggle skyward, time on time that saving grace;
I could not see a point or purpose...who will win this human race?

tectak(typical when bored)
2015

I hope you find some use in my comments, thanks for the read.