Evolution

[tectak]

Hi tectak. Feels like a lot sacrificed to rhyme and meter. I'll try to be specific.

I watched a thousand men a'marching up a green and gentle hill."a'marching" is ok, but it does set a tone. Is that the tone you want?
In line they followed one another, silently with single will.
To his chest the leader clutched an orb of silver, blue and brown;inversion
and from his eyes  black smoke plumed upwards, from his belly tar poured down.inversion

Upon the summit rain was falling, scalding steam burst from the ground,
when through the foment came a roar and all below froze with the sound.the wording here is reminiscent of Twas the night before Xmas. Not your fault. Just is.
From fuming smog a hand rose trembling, grasped around the glinting sphere,
and with a lunge the arm flung forward, from the ranks a mighty cheer.some cliche in "mighty cheer"

Arching through the swirling vapours, falling, falling through the gloom,
the globe was caught by  grabbing hands as gravity holds tight the moon.there is a tense problem in this line
A new man held the prize close to him, struggling to attain the peak
when from his mouth came soot and sparks. He could not cry, he  could not speak.Twas the night b4 Xmas again.

I watched for what seemed like a lifetime. Again the throw, again the cheer;
the curving toss into the darkness filled me each time with fateful fear.
The hands that held, the struggle skyward, time on time that saving grace;
I could not see a point or purpose...who will win this human race?

tectak(typical when bored)
2015

Just a few fixable areas where I think the piece is too driven by rhyme and meter concerns.
Hope it helps. Thanks.
Paul 

Hi tiger,
A fun write, this(inversion). It has been on my list of things to do for a while. All of your points are valid and will be acted on. I just felt that workshopping was getting a little vacuous and needed a filler. Watch this space. Just one thing, I do enjoy the discipline of rhyme and do not find it arduous....usually. If it seems "driven" or of a "concern" then in some sense I have failed. I will look at it again but am open to suggestions.
Best,
tectak