06-27-2015, 01:16 AM
Hello again qd-
The revision is a slight improvement, though you remain stuck with too much telling (and too little showing).
A poem about such a serious topic is very tough to pull off, and the first person voice needs to be a lot stronger.
Writing "I turn on the news..." and "I hate it" just don't say enough.
After the VA Tech shooting I read a remarkable poem that used a balloon metaphor to great effect: souls rising like balloons, balloons popping. It dramatically shifted my perception of that tragic event.
We all are appalled by how these tragedies are packaged by the media, but you need a different approach than to just say that you hate it. Otherwise you wind up on a soapbox, too.
Contrasting the sound of prayer with the blast of violence may offer a contrast to explore. That said, this topic is very difficult to write about on a personal level.
It seems that what you really want to write about here are the more general reactions, and that's OK.
Still, just telling me that we are "drowning in bureaucracy" or how the "government gains" does not convince me. Is this something that a government can even fix?
This is a very hard topic to handle effectively. Good luck,
... Mark
The revision is a slight improvement, though you remain stuck with too much telling (and too little showing).
A poem about such a serious topic is very tough to pull off, and the first person voice needs to be a lot stronger.
Writing "I turn on the news..." and "I hate it" just don't say enough.
After the VA Tech shooting I read a remarkable poem that used a balloon metaphor to great effect: souls rising like balloons, balloons popping. It dramatically shifted my perception of that tragic event.
We all are appalled by how these tragedies are packaged by the media, but you need a different approach than to just say that you hate it. Otherwise you wind up on a soapbox, too.
Contrasting the sound of prayer with the blast of violence may offer a contrast to explore. That said, this topic is very difficult to write about on a personal level.
It seems that what you really want to write about here are the more general reactions, and that's OK.
Still, just telling me that we are "drowning in bureaucracy" or how the "government gains" does not convince me. Is this something that a government can even fix?
This is a very hard topic to handle effectively. Good luck,
... Mark