06-25-2015, 09:33 AM
Hello WJames-
I liked this piece enough to stop and drop some comments.
The set-up with the blind man is, of course, key to the poem, yet even on the third time through I felt like it might be a bit odd for a blind person to ask a stranger to describe what was happening.
Every time through I did notice that almost every line is written like prose, and you do have the power to break the lines wherever you want. That's why it's called "verse", ( and I think that the word derives from the Latin "versare", which means to turn). More creative line turns/breaks are needed.
Be careful with "their presence" as it could refer to the ducklings or the family, and it hit me weirdly the first time through when I thought that the family was delighted by their own presence.
That whole stanza is where you can really have some fun, and it'd be sorta cool if you introduced a conversation with the blind guy at this stage, so that he gets to participate, other than just be a set-up man. (Or fall guy)
I don't have too big of a problem with your sudden ability to see things that you had missed before, since you cannot see the immediate past, but there are some easy ways to fix that, and I'm sure you'll find them.
I did not expect the ending, which of course, was your intention from the very beginning. The implication that blind people miss actions around them, and need to have them described, remains a bit off-putting here, though.
This idea is getting pretty close to a completed work, but there is still work to do.
I enjoyed it.
Thanks,
... Mark
I liked this piece enough to stop and drop some comments.
The set-up with the blind man is, of course, key to the poem, yet even on the third time through I felt like it might be a bit odd for a blind person to ask a stranger to describe what was happening.
Every time through I did notice that almost every line is written like prose, and you do have the power to break the lines wherever you want. That's why it's called "verse", ( and I think that the word derives from the Latin "versare", which means to turn). More creative line turns/breaks are needed.
Be careful with "their presence" as it could refer to the ducklings or the family, and it hit me weirdly the first time through when I thought that the family was delighted by their own presence.
That whole stanza is where you can really have some fun, and it'd be sorta cool if you introduced a conversation with the blind guy at this stage, so that he gets to participate, other than just be a set-up man. (Or fall guy)
I don't have too big of a problem with your sudden ability to see things that you had missed before, since you cannot see the immediate past, but there are some easy ways to fix that, and I'm sure you'll find them.
I did not expect the ending, which of course, was your intention from the very beginning. The implication that blind people miss actions around them, and need to have them described, remains a bit off-putting here, though.
This idea is getting pretty close to a completed work, but there is still work to do.
I enjoyed it.
Thanks,
... Mark