06-23-2015, 02:29 AM
Oh boy Qdeathstar,
How could it happen again, for sure. Pretty much everything about this piece as a poem, is a train wreck:
- forced rhyming
- uneven meter at best
You really need to do a complete re-write, and present something more than the roughest draft, as I doubt that you find this forum very forgiving for a piece like this. Especially when one considers the seriousness of the subject.
It will take me too long to break it all down for you, and I'd wind up writing the poem for you. That ain't gonna happen. Please remember to hold your fire, as this comes off as an awkward, emotional outburst that could prove to be quite embarrassing.
I hope you have thick skin. Sorry,
... Mark
How could it happen again, for sure. Pretty much everything about this piece as a poem, is a train wreck:
- forced rhyming
- uneven meter at best
You really need to do a complete re-write, and present something more than the roughest draft, as I doubt that you find this forum very forgiving for a piece like this. Especially when one considers the seriousness of the subject.
It will take me too long to break it all down for you, and I'd wind up writing the poem for you. That ain't gonna happen. Please remember to hold your fire, as this comes off as an awkward, emotional outburst that could prove to be quite embarrassing.
I hope you have thick skin. Sorry,
... Mark