06-22-2015, 09:55 PM
Hello rederex-
Before reading the other reviews, I'll put in my own two cents.
Right outta the gate, I see trouble with the abstract nature of S.1, as the only solid word in there is "cheek".
I've got "feathers" and a "breast" to hold onto in S.2, but I'm already losing interest.
Then S.3 comes along and I lose any hold at all, and the poem has lost any hold on me.
The entire set-up this (trying to be) sonnet is wasted in the end couplet. It's hard to fit a laundry list into two lines, but that's exactly what you achieved-- write the words vertically and you'll see what I mean.
The dream/reality poem is hard to pull off, and requires far more insanity than this, for me. Slow down before you post. This one requires a whole lot of editing by the reader, and that's your job, not mine: I don't know what minor changes to suggest, because a major re-write is needed.
... Mark
Before reading the other reviews, I'll put in my own two cents.
Right outta the gate, I see trouble with the abstract nature of S.1, as the only solid word in there is "cheek".
I've got "feathers" and a "breast" to hold onto in S.2, but I'm already losing interest.
Then S.3 comes along and I lose any hold at all, and the poem has lost any hold on me.
The entire set-up this (trying to be) sonnet is wasted in the end couplet. It's hard to fit a laundry list into two lines, but that's exactly what you achieved-- write the words vertically and you'll see what I mean.
The dream/reality poem is hard to pull off, and requires far more insanity than this, for me. Slow down before you post. This one requires a whole lot of editing by the reader, and that's your job, not mine: I don't know what minor changes to suggest, because a major re-write is needed.
... Mark