explaining displacement

[billy]

sorry for getting back late amanda.
i've read the poem a few times now and i think in places it could be cropped [just inconsequential words and phrases]. for me the I/you at the end of each 2nd line feels awkward. is each I strong enough to have their own lines. you'll still get the pause after it but won't have two I's in single line.
for all my feedback i think it an excellent poem that could be a better excellent poem. back to the ands; it's obvious you meant to use them but meaning to use something doesn't mean it works, for me as a reader it didn't. there are a few more places where words could be cut but it's already been mentioned so i'll just re- affirm it

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. it's a solid image and simile. great first two lines. straight off i get a sense of loneliness or/and want
& autumn became just as fleeting. I is [&]needed, if so it usually works best as [and] here i think it's excess
remember red as if it were currency;just does add something but is still worth looking at
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one. a suggest would be either add an [as] or use a different word than [claimed]
I remember how you fed me oranges i know each stanza starts with the same meter but the [i remember how] feels excessive. i mention the meter because it's not kept constant elsewhere.
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I again [&] feels wasted/excess
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.
I raise the hem of my skirt;
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me; why the extra line to &? blisters feels a little unclean though i realize it's a metaphor
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds. so that would be green then? i like the words but it feels a bit ott, is it any redder for being a thousand?
I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus- for me this is where the secular [I's] let the poem down it reads awkwardly at the end of the line and the following pause bastardises the following lines.
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruit's flesh and gnaw on the rind.