My Own Little World

[Magpie]

Hi, I feel that this has got some of the possible elements to make the idea work, however they all seem to be in the wrong order for them to have any immediate impact. 

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us. --- To me this is the surprise twist which feels as though it should be in the middle or the final revelation

I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions. --- By this line I had a rough idea of what was coming next

I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother, --- and by this line, I knew what was coming next.
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case. --- Are 'leaves' really 'leaves' or is it a term for notes, I get this kind of thing wrong quite a bit --- However if they are actually 'leaves' then it would appear to be 'autumn', sorry 'fall' which would be at odds with the 'ducklings' earlier on, although it's not altogether impossible.
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind. --- This is my favourite line from the poem, the most poetic.

I never thought to look.

There is nothing wrong with the content as a whole and I like the simplicity of the images and the individual details such as 'flannel blanket' work well in illustrating why the seemingly ordinary is with a different perspective, beautiful.

It's the order that stops it from working the way that it should. I think there are two or three ways of ordering it that would help it and that's without leaving the blind man till the last line; which would be an obvious temptation. It would be interesting to hear what you say because I'm fairly certain that you would have considered a couple of possibilities when writing this.

Thanks for the read,

Mark