The Family Tree

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Mark, welcome to the site! I appreciate you jumping right in with critiques. Let me see if I can offer you anything helpful by way of feedback:

Hello folks-
  I am new to this forum, so I shall introduce myself.  My name is Mark Becker and I live in Herndon, VA with my spouse (Pam), dog (Jack), and cat (Merlin).  I was born in DC and have lived in this area for most of my 60 years, and in Herndon for the past 25.  Our son flew the coop to figure things out on his own.
  I've been writing poems and songs for quite awhile, and criticism is valuable to me: both receiving and giving it.  
  If any of the work I submit here were published, then I wouldn't be submitting it "for further review".  That said, I'll jump into this pigpen, get dirty, and try to oink responsibly.  
  If you so choose, then here's my first piece in the pen for you to take some chews on:  


The Family Tree--This is a great title because of how innocuous it seems, and how it does double duty suggesting changes through the generations and being an actual tree.

Even in broad daylight,--Broad daylight is a bit cliched of a phrase, though I do like how this line sneaks up on you. It took the second read for me to really notice the irony. People in the past used that tree under the cover of night, and now it's being approached in daylight. 
while children laugh and play--subtle implication not only of innocence but that racism and bias are learned.
on the new tire swing,--Good image to suggest the swaying motion. New is also a nice choice as it points out the old by omission.
granddaddy won't go near--granddaddy works to set the region for the poem. I think if you use this you do not need southern in the line below. We start moving too Strange Fruit, but mostly its unnecessary. If granddaddy isn't strong enough pawpaw may work.

that gnarled old southern oak.--This is a great standalone line (barring my one comment on southern) it should stand alone. It is the pivot and the focal point of the poem. 

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there. --I think the lynching history is already implied and this entire strophe is just too telling. Consider cutting it all.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.--I like the repetition of swing. There's no doubt as to meaning. I think if you trust your readers and cut the above strophe less will turn out to be more.


… mb

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the close read Todd,

It does help to get such thorough criticism.

The oak will stand as its own line since its suggestion as a limb is, to me, the critical line in the poem. I used the word "southern" to insure that the region is identified by this specific type of oak, and I had seen pictures of the southern oak used as a lynching tree, because of its strong low limbs.

I must admit that "southern" also maintains the 6 syllable count/line that I wanted to hold onto until the very end. That way, I could break the syllabics and punch up the ending as forcefully as possible.

All suggestions to cut are taken to heart by me, because I am always looking for ways to construct poems with the fewest words possible. If I could make a one word poem stand up, I'd try to, and other examples of my work that I'll share will show my seriousness about "less".

I had never thought of eliminating the S. with "he says it's not alright..." since I wanted something in there to suggest the inter-generational argument, if you will. I thought it necessary to imply that there are parents within this family tree, not just the kids and granddaddy.

As I said, I am a very big fan of "less is more" (almost to a fault). Still I may need some further agreement until I'm comfortable with losing it. Since I'm so close to the poem, I can cut it without seeing any damage. In fact, I see the added impact gained from doing that. An entirely independent crit advising me to cut it could sell me, but you are the first, so far.

I shall give your suggestions very serious consideration, and I very much appreciate the time you took for such thoughtful comments.

Thanks again, Todd,
... Mark