Out My Window

[milo]

first off, i openly admit your meter skills far outweigh mine own   but....
opening line has a half foot missing, either that or you're doing something cleverer than i know
and elsewhere in more than a couple of places the meter is licking hairy testicles. [paraphrasing myself there]
the place though ambiguous give just enough choice to work, [nursing home, hospital, country spa perhaps]. some of the end rhymes feel a little forced and gone/lawn don't rock the boat enough for me. the poem itself feels rushed and not really what i would expect from one of the sites better poets.

p.s; i had no problem with you seeing the wind, the brain notices effect and sees the cause, in this case wind. when the apple fell newton saw gravity.

Out My Window
Out my window I can see an [of] would fix the meter here
the rolling grass, an ancient tree best line of poem it has imagery and more or less sets the tone of the place where your window is.
the wind that blows so freely through it if it wasn't a sonnet i'd love the change in meter and pace
as if to say there's nothing to it,
a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn. kinky meter, it would work if you  removed [and from above] but not much better
There is a lady just behind me
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right
so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals.

Thanks for reading and commenting, billy

---

Hi Milo,

The couplets give this sort of a light, airy quality. At first, the opening to me just seemed like simple set up, a throwaway to get to the better S2 and S3. I think though the speaker is identifying with the ancient tree in L2 and life is blowing freely through him as well, and I like that idea. The statue just comes across as funny because the speaker seems to be reassuring us that he hasn't gone crazy. There's no early onset of dementia. The squirrels not being on this day gives the possibility of tedium, but the speaker makes that come off as more reflective and meditative. In S3, I like your me/me rhyme mostly because it is two different me's so I think it works. It has variety while still being identical words. S3 does a good job fixing the setting as likely an assisted care facility. The idea of cleaning beneath the wheels also gives the sense that the speaker is rooted like the tree (good symmetry).

ok, I am going to relate my thought track for the beginning, just to kind of lay it out there so I can work on it.

The narrator - although unbeknownst to the reader in the beginning - is wheel chair bound.  Things that freely move (the wind, squirrels, horses, etc) have his wistful envy.  He points out that the horse cannot move, sardonically, because in this case it is a statue.  his knowledge of the squirrels from other days was supposed to get the reader to think - "wow, this guy spends a lot of time looking out his window".  My thought was that the verb flirting would convey some youth and fun to the movement of squirrels.

The tree I have a difficult time setting a modifier for.  Obviously, our narrator may identify with the tree, but we want him to see it negatively - like himself.  i considered words like "hollow" or "rotting" but they would seem to inaccurately portray the reality of an assisted care facility which would tend to have immaculate groundskeeping.

No real call outs, milo. Final couple I thought of meals on wheels but that may just be me and not everyone. I think if reader's don't see the speaker as identifying with the tree S1 may come off a bit trite in L4--though I'm not suggesting we write to the lowest common denominator. Nit picking here because none of this really caused me any issues.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the comments, Todd.