The Family Tree

[Mark A Becker]

Hi, Mark, welcome to the pen, hope you enjoy the stink.

I found this a really effective piece, the title suites it well. Although this is a bit of a light critique for Serious, I had some thoughts I hope will help.

The Family Tree

Even in broad daylight,
while children laugh and play
on the new tire swing,
granddaddy won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.  
The white space made me pause at near and consider all the reasons granddaddy might not want to go near the kids, even in the light and brought up all sorts of nasty thoughts about him that don't belong in this poem. I'd prefer the oak line moved up.

He says it’s not alright
for respectable folks
to let children play there.

But for these kids it’s just
a tree, and when they swing
now, they swing free.
The end says it all, well done but "now" is awkward and, for me, unnecessary, I think you could lose it.

… mb

That's all I got, I enjoyed it, good luck with it.

Hello ellajam-
Thanks for barking up The Family Tree.  What a revelation your comment was regarding granddaddy.  You are the first to point that out.  I do have a very good reason (in my head, at least) for making the southern oak stand as it's own line, and I'll need a stronger argument to make me change that one.   AHAH! Granddaddy is a pervert!  Really?? I gotta admit, that comment is funnier than hell.

Also- thanks for hitting on the "real issue" for me, as I have re-written the ending several times.  "Now" will stay put for now, but I may shift it back to where I had it previously. (This is part of the personal struggle I have with where in the poem to break its syllabic form).  

I know that the end works for the best emphasis, but your comment has me thinking again about further surgery, at precisely the spot that I hoped someone would crit it.  Not really looking to cut "now" just yet, but appreciate that you spotted the agreed upon area of dislocation.  Hmmm....

Thanks,
...Mark