06-20-2015, 04:05 AM
Hello ellajam-
Since I have a great affinity for syllabic poems I noticed right away the 10 count/line in this one, with the exception of L.5 which ends with "...peaking lines." I would have to think this that L.5 having an 11 count is a mistake, since I can see many ways to make L.5 equal 10 syllables.
Syllabic poems are hard to write, and there is a tendency to force things. I know this, because I've written several syllabic poems. In my older age (or from craziness/laziness) I now find that having a line or two that doesn't measure perfectly is perfectly OK. That said, I will always have a really good reason for breaking my own syllabic count, by calling attention to the rogue line(s).
L.5 seems to contain 11 syllables for no reason except as an oversight. Hopefully I won't read other responses after I finish mine, and come to realize that this is not intended as a syllabic poem. If you got 10 per line by sheer coincidence I'd be very surprised.
I must say that you've done an excellent job with the rhymes, as they fall in place nicely for me.
The only real problem I have with your poem is the very end, and I'm not sure what to suggest now that you're on EDIT 2. I get that you are conveying the added (multiplied) responsibility/purpose that a new child brings, but I'd love see "only multiplied" as addition magnified into multiplication, instead of multiplication that subtracts from my enjoyment of this poem. For me (and I stress "for me") those last words may rhyme nicely, but they separated me from the new child just as I was welcoming him to the club.
This unfortunately occurs (for me, again) after the wonderful description of childbirth that is being shared. Perhaps it's that I am one of eight kids, that I have such a strong reaction to any child being singled out as tops. I have been in the childbirth scene myself, and I do admit the overwhelming feeling of adoration that accompanies it. Still, I must admit to feeling un-invited at the end of your poem.
All of that said, I love the snippets such as "..I count the possibilities of doom" and "...declare you grand". I would not comment on your poem unless it struck me as one to comment on, and despite any (actually minor) misgivings, this poem, like any other child, is a wonderful new addition. Or edition...
Thanks,
...Mark
Since I have a great affinity for syllabic poems I noticed right away the 10 count/line in this one, with the exception of L.5 which ends with "...peaking lines." I would have to think this that L.5 having an 11 count is a mistake, since I can see many ways to make L.5 equal 10 syllables.
Syllabic poems are hard to write, and there is a tendency to force things. I know this, because I've written several syllabic poems. In my older age (or from craziness/laziness) I now find that having a line or two that doesn't measure perfectly is perfectly OK. That said, I will always have a really good reason for breaking my own syllabic count, by calling attention to the rogue line(s).
L.5 seems to contain 11 syllables for no reason except as an oversight. Hopefully I won't read other responses after I finish mine, and come to realize that this is not intended as a syllabic poem. If you got 10 per line by sheer coincidence I'd be very surprised.
I must say that you've done an excellent job with the rhymes, as they fall in place nicely for me.
The only real problem I have with your poem is the very end, and I'm not sure what to suggest now that you're on EDIT 2. I get that you are conveying the added (multiplied) responsibility/purpose that a new child brings, but I'd love see "only multiplied" as addition magnified into multiplication, instead of multiplication that subtracts from my enjoyment of this poem. For me (and I stress "for me") those last words may rhyme nicely, but they separated me from the new child just as I was welcoming him to the club.
This unfortunately occurs (for me, again) after the wonderful description of childbirth that is being shared. Perhaps it's that I am one of eight kids, that I have such a strong reaction to any child being singled out as tops. I have been in the childbirth scene myself, and I do admit the overwhelming feeling of adoration that accompanies it. Still, I must admit to feeling un-invited at the end of your poem.
All of that said, I love the snippets such as "..I count the possibilities of doom" and "...declare you grand". I would not comment on your poem unless it struck me as one to comment on, and despite any (actually minor) misgivings, this poem, like any other child, is a wonderful new addition. Or edition...
Thanks,
...Mark