NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[ellajam]

I really like the choices you've made here ella:

Caul, lacerated womb, peaking, pulling out the sweet affairs in place of boyish pranks (it seems more real to be envisioning childhood and not adulthood so soon). This may be at a point when you should let it sit again to see if you're still happy with it all. Here are my call outs and suggestions (not many at this stage):

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #2

We wait as you are lifted from your caul
and held above her lacerated womb,
then exhale when we hear your raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; peaking lines--While peaking is a much better content word than shifting was, this line reads rough to me. The poem loses its cadence here. You may be trying to fit too much into the line. I love the content this is more of a how does it sound when you read it out loud issue to me.
on monitors and regulators beep
a sharp cacophony of vital signs.--Maybe substitute the "a" for an "in" 
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the flutter of your dreams.
I trace your palm, declare your future grand,
our dreams for you of boyish pranks and schemes--Your using dreams quite a bit. I like the dreams schemes internal rhyme, but there's one dreams too many here for me.
are tightly held in each small grasping hand.
You'll be the death of us, our deepest pride
like any other child, but multiplied.

Just some thoughts as you trudge through revisions.

Best,

Todd

Thanks, Todd, that damned abacus, I can't seem to make it work. I still have a problem not hearing it with a second stress so the line always sounds awkward to me no matter what I do. I'll see what happens when I come back to it. Line 9 I've tried of and a, I'll give in a tryout. I was thinking that his dreams vs ours might let me use it twice, but maybe I'll see if I can use something else.

Thanks so much for your time and efforts with this.