06-20-2015, 02:57 AM
(06-19-2015, 10:11 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello tectak-Hi mark,
I won't go through this poem line by line because the issues that I see are prevalent throughout.
I thought there might be trouble when I read the title, and ...
The line segment repetitions get tedious after the first one. This kind of trap is easy to fall into because it seems like a good idea at first. At first. However, this reader sees it as an annoying ploy, and I could not get the sound of a parrot out of my ears, out of my ears, by the third time around. By the third time around. (See?)
The rhyming gives off a sing-songy sound that is directly opposed to the serious tone of the poem.
The persistent end-stops of the lines also work against the feel of the piece, especially when some creative line breaking could help convey an inner struggle to hold on to a memory.
This poem needs a whole lot of work, and I'm glad that you let us know that there are no similarities, etc. The laundry list nature of the lines destroys any sense of connection between the characters, which is unfortunately reinforced by the appearance of the title at the very end.
To me, this is more an example of a poet's desire to be clever, than a desire to convey a sense of loss. I have been guilty of that too many times not to recognize it.
Sorry if this seems too harsh, but that's my take.
Please note that I try not to read other critiques until I've read through a piece several times and developed my own response.
Overall, it's either back to the drawing board, or into the bin, with this one.
...Mark
You come late to the wake but you can still make your piece...er...peace. Yes to almost all your comments but this IS lingua in maxillam though I don't excuse the effort on this or any ground. I try not to do "clever" by my definition but all is subjective...I hope that is not offensive.
A rewrite may be overdue but there is more to this piece than I am prepared to include...yet. Do not bin anything...you never know what you've got 'til it's gone!
Thanks again. I eat all crit.
Best,
tectak