The Missing You: Reversion 1

[ellajam]

The work you've put into the first 3 lines shows, the meter works and I enjoyed the near rhyme of wretch/catch because L3 made me laugh.

L8 is not as successful meter or meaning wise. Maybe something like I've spent my time alone encased in chains, rain could be rains. Encased is wrong, you can find something better, but buried doesn't work for me.

I still have some trouble making sense of the couplet, did you mean the comma?

Keep at it.

You've turned into a soulless crooked wretch.
Who knew that loving you was such a chore
'cause now I think you need a shank, here catch!
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I took my time to find terrible truth .
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I've spent my moments alone buried in chain.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what we shared ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karmas bought as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.





original

An ember in the flowing wind shown light,
A guide before the fade to nothing more,
did seem to drift to black and lack a fight.
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I gave into despair last night, in truth.
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I looked for strength in thought - still real still sane.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what you showed ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karma's got as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.




is the meter even close???????