06-20-2015, 12:43 AM
Hi Milo,
The couplets give this sort of a light, airy quality. At first, the opening to me just seemed like simple set up, a throwaway to get to the better S2 and S3. I think though the speaker is identifying with the ancient tree in L2 and life is blowing freely through him as well, and I like that idea. The statue just comes across as funny because the speaker seems to be reassuring us that he hasn't gone crazy. There's no early onset of dementia. The squirrels not being on this day gives the possibility of tedium, but the speaker makes that come off as more reflective and meditative. In S3, I like your me/me rhyme mostly because it is two different me's so I think it works. It has variety while still being identical words. S3 does a good job fixing the setting as likely an assisted care facility. The idea of cleaning beneath the wheels also gives the sense that the speaker is rooted like the tree (good symmetry).
No real call outs, milo. Final couple I thought of meals on wheels but that may just be me and not everyone. I think if reader's don't see the speaker as identifying with the tree S1 may come off a bit trite in L4--though I'm not suggesting we write to the lowest common denominator. Nit picking here because none of this really caused me any issues.
Best,
Todd
The couplets give this sort of a light, airy quality. At first, the opening to me just seemed like simple set up, a throwaway to get to the better S2 and S3. I think though the speaker is identifying with the ancient tree in L2 and life is blowing freely through him as well, and I like that idea. The statue just comes across as funny because the speaker seems to be reassuring us that he hasn't gone crazy. There's no early onset of dementia. The squirrels not being on this day gives the possibility of tedium, but the speaker makes that come off as more reflective and meditative. In S3, I like your me/me rhyme mostly because it is two different me's so I think it works. It has variety while still being identical words. S3 does a good job fixing the setting as likely an assisted care facility. The idea of cleaning beneath the wheels also gives the sense that the speaker is rooted like the tree (good symmetry).
No real call outs, milo. Final couple I thought of meals on wheels but that may just be me and not everyone. I think if reader's don't see the speaker as identifying with the tree S1 may come off a bit trite in L4--though I'm not suggesting we write to the lowest common denominator. Nit picking here because none of this really caused me any issues.
Best,
Todd
(06-19-2015, 01:15 PM)milo Wrote: Out My Window
Out my window I can see
the rolling grass, an ancient tree
the wind that blows so freely through it
as if to say there's nothing to it,
a statue of a man and horse
but they don't move at all, of course
and, not today, but on days gone
some squirrels have flirted on the lawn.
There is a lady just behind me
and every day she says - don't mind me
she gets the bed sheets and the light
then rolls my chair just slightly right
so she can clean beneath the wheels
and on that table, leaves my meals.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson