06-19-2015, 11:40 PM
Hello Billy-
I didn't recognize the Italian sonnet until the second time through, as the empty second line nearly threw me off.
That said, I like the empty second line and the octave still stands.
I'm not a fan of " ...latticed blind", and it seems a bit forced in there to keep the rhyme scheme intact.
In all, the octave works much better for me than the sestet, and it's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it? Shouldn't the octave work as the set-up to the sestet? The last six pull me toward that sentimental feeling that readers like me usually have trouble with.
The octave just has more concrete to get ahold of: sheets, hardwood floors, and dead doors. Especially "dead doors"-- the whole poem is built (for me) around that one simple image. A couple more images like that in the sestet would really sell me on this one.
Her warmth destroying your sin is not that image, and that ending nearly had me asking for a refund. I react much differently to a line like that than I did when I was much younger. My heart, and subsequently, my eyes, have hardened with age, I suppose.
Still, I saw something (good) that wanted me to spend time commenting on this one. Otherwise, I wouldn't have.
Thanks,
... Mark
I didn't recognize the Italian sonnet until the second time through, as the empty second line nearly threw me off.
That said, I like the empty second line and the octave still stands.
I'm not a fan of " ...latticed blind", and it seems a bit forced in there to keep the rhyme scheme intact.
In all, the octave works much better for me than the sestet, and it's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it? Shouldn't the octave work as the set-up to the sestet? The last six pull me toward that sentimental feeling that readers like me usually have trouble with.
The octave just has more concrete to get ahold of: sheets, hardwood floors, and dead doors. Especially "dead doors"-- the whole poem is built (for me) around that one simple image. A couple more images like that in the sestet would really sell me on this one.
Her warmth destroying your sin is not that image, and that ending nearly had me asking for a refund. I react much differently to a line like that than I did when I was much younger. My heart, and subsequently, my eyes, have hardened with age, I suppose.
Still, I saw something (good) that wanted me to spend time commenting on this one. Otherwise, I wouldn't have.
Thanks,
... Mark