06-19-2015, 11:02 PM
Hello reppindetroit,
Pleading for mercy right out of the gate is not a good idea if you really want honest feedback.
That said...
There are an awful lot of words without nearly enough concrete to hold on to, for me.
The poem is a run-on sentence until you get to "there is a sense of stability.."
Watch out for absolutes like "nothing is more celebrated than Stability". Especially when it's with a capital "S" . Some readers, like me, will be very hard to convince.
Pleas check your line lengths and breaks, as they seem arbitrary, at best.
The stanza that begins with "yet his slumber..." conveys some images that bring sudden violence to this poem that seems out of place. Read it yourself, and then tell me if you really think this is realistic. We all have the demons that visit in the night, that clear out with the morning, but I'm afraid you went over my top here.
The whole argument for "Stability" is told to me rather shown to me, and that is where I need the concrete to hold on to.
I think that you could re-arrange some lines and dramatically shorten this piece. I'd go so far as to challenge you to re-write this without ever using the word "stability", to see if you could still convey your meaning. I bet that you could.
There is nothing more celebrated than _______, and if you were to ask me to fill in that blank (instead of telling me) I would probably list several other things closer to the top: family, youth, winning, etc, etc.
Still not convinced,
... Mark
Pleading for mercy right out of the gate is not a good idea if you really want honest feedback.
That said...
There are an awful lot of words without nearly enough concrete to hold on to, for me.
The poem is a run-on sentence until you get to "there is a sense of stability.."
Watch out for absolutes like "nothing is more celebrated than Stability". Especially when it's with a capital "S" . Some readers, like me, will be very hard to convince.
Pleas check your line lengths and breaks, as they seem arbitrary, at best.
The stanza that begins with "yet his slumber..." conveys some images that bring sudden violence to this poem that seems out of place. Read it yourself, and then tell me if you really think this is realistic. We all have the demons that visit in the night, that clear out with the morning, but I'm afraid you went over my top here.
The whole argument for "Stability" is told to me rather shown to me, and that is where I need the concrete to hold on to.
I think that you could re-arrange some lines and dramatically shorten this piece. I'd go so far as to challenge you to re-write this without ever using the word "stability", to see if you could still convey your meaning. I bet that you could.
There is nothing more celebrated than _______, and if you were to ask me to fill in that blank (instead of telling me) I would probably list several other things closer to the top: family, youth, winning, etc, etc.
Still not convinced,
... Mark