explaining displacement

[rayheinrich]

I like each one of the words you left out; how they denied my expectations.
My criticism is that you left too many of the others in.


Wonderful lines:
"two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs
& autumn became just as fleeting"

"remember red as if it were currency"
"the kiss that claimed us one"

still wonderful, but...

"while my fingers played in your hair" <-why the "while" and "in"?

"I remember how you fed me oranges" <- why "I remember how"?

"& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair" <-"while", "in"?

"crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell; <- "crawled
inside your analogy"? (but I appreciate the intellect involved)

"and made love to you as if I were an eggshell" <- "as if I were" -- why not just be the eggshell?

"small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands." <- "small", "concrete"?

While the "draw" in "draw a line" is fine (a stronger word would call too much attention to itself),
the whole phrase "draw a line between us" is a bit too clichéd.

"peel back the blisters" <- Even if you ignore the "herpes" aspect, blisters aren't substantial
enough to be peeled; the skin over them breaks and there's goo and stuff...)  

"the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds" <- wretched excess

"I snuff out my cigarette in the fruit's flesh and gnaw on the rind." <- mind numbing excess.
Sure, some sort a severe finale is in order, but this line (actually the last two lines) launch
the poem into an ironic space it can't escape from.


...and Real Freudian displacement would end like this:

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus