Notes to Self. 2009-2015

[just mercedes]

The first thing that struck me about your poem was the change in feet in the lines of the quatrains. I'm not sure why I then had to count each line, expecting the third line to have 12 syllables, or  maybe even the fourth, I thought, when that wasn't so. Just my anal problem, wanting everything to be neatly classified.

I am the sum of many parts, some circumstance and fate. 12 syllables
I know myself or think I do, but through a compound  eye I see 16   Sorry, but I thought of a  blowfly.
the circling dance of others who divide their lives by love or hate; 16
espousing this, negating that, assured by their life policy. 16

To those who see in monochrome I am a man of grey; 14
but slit me with a keen-honed word, or puncture me with poisoned pen, 16  'keen-honed word' strong imagery
and all the well-red blood will pour, from all who had a part to play 16 nice pun
in casting me to be just one among a million, million men. 16

You move from addressing the air to addressing one particular person here


Surprises now are less and less, fresh thoughts a memory. 16 'are' feels weak in this  line
So dance for me a different waltz, and swirl me off to somewhere rare. 16 'dance for me' and 'swirl me off' - one is dancing by themselves, the other is two dancing together. Maybe 'dance with me' would fit better
Spin while you can in certainty that this is how your world will be. 16 First syllable stressed instead of unstressed
Take me along but bind my eyes, abandon me when we get there. 16 ditto

No, I am old and you are young…you follow on my trail. 14
Look down, though, when the scent goes cold and only stones in faded view 17 and changes in stress
will guide you by that final sense; touch each before you grow too frail 16
then sit and call out names you knew, they will be calling you. 14 This image is so plaintive to me, I love it
 
If love and hate should follow you, your journey will not end. 14
You’ll walk alone— a  penalty— for wearing truth’s concealing mask, 16 paradox of truth and mask - I like
instead of being someone else; a lie in love, a pretend friend. 16 stress change
Late daylight dawns, where is the way? But it’s too late to ask.  14

Then somehow you're not addressing the same person, but making observations again. Made  me wonder, of whom you ask the question Where am I now?
 
Though I am lost I will not ask where is this place…where am I now? 16
I flew with trade winds, words were gold, and all desired my contraband; 16 words as contraband - great image
but current wins against the  breeze. Once no one steers, the pointing prow  16  I'm not sure that image works - current winning against breeze
on awkward tide turns out to sea, then grateful founds on foreign land. 16 Lots of adjectives in these two lines


Tectak
From “A Diary” 2009-2015

This feels like a rumination on life, and a dispensing of advice to a younger person, son or grandson maybe, rather than journal entries. I didn't read the other critiques yet, so please excuse me if I've gone over ground already covered. And thank you for posting this!