explaining displacement

[ChristopherSea]

June,

I like the Freudian psychological connotation of ‘displacement’ as a title and theme herein.
This is written from a very intimate and personal point of view and if it is not autobiographical,
you did an excellent job crafting this narrator’s monolog.

At first, I did not catch the true meaning of ‘came’ until the second line. Here’s what I put between
those parentheses:  (_i_)     Seriously though, it’s a great simile.

I found it intriguing that the one break after an ‘I’ that I would have made was your first one
that you left alone. In the first stanza, dropping ‘left you’ to the next line may have helped
to create dramatic pause and the initial ‘displacement’ or scission in my opinion. I believe you
are splitting off your ‘I’s thereafter to illustrate displacement as well.

The semicolons after ‘currency,’ ‘eggshell’ and ‘me’ may be unnecessary, as they are followed by strophes
that don’t seem like independent clauses, but rather follow in the same vein as the line before. Let’s see
if anyone else concurs.

‘Draw a line’ seems too passive, maybe ‘etch,’’cut’, ‘scratch,’ ‘carve’ or something else would work better.

There is probably a conscious choice in using ampersands to begin lines and ‘and’s within lines,
but I am not getting the why.

Love the use of ‘snuff out’ (murder!) and then the self-flagellation via wasting the sweet flesh and
eating the bitter rind of the orange that once symbolized a sound and loving relationship. Don’t you want
‘fruit’s flesh’ in the last line?

See if anything helps with your next edit. Well done and thank you once again for the help on my piece!/Chris