06-16-2015, 07:10 PM
Hi again poppoetry, eh, you know I'm a complete amateur...
Anyway, first stanza, I don't understand "see bubbles wall, not for debate" no clue what that's referring to..
Second stanza "preposterous and perplexing" is really out of the rhythm, I'd suggest cutting the "and" and maybe the "preposterous" as well, I think perplexing sounds better with it..maybe another word in front to smooth the meter.
Third stanza, I think is very vague, I'm losing what it's supposed to be about now...
Fourth stanza, "cunningly is bothering me here
Fifth stanza, "old people give you time" like pay attention to this person? That seems so random..
Conclusion, I like the subject matter, maybe you could go humerous with it? As it is now, it feels a little scattered.
Anyway, first stanza, I don't understand "see bubbles wall, not for debate" no clue what that's referring to..
Second stanza "preposterous and perplexing" is really out of the rhythm, I'd suggest cutting the "and" and maybe the "preposterous" as well, I think perplexing sounds better with it..maybe another word in front to smooth the meter.
Third stanza, I think is very vague, I'm losing what it's supposed to be about now...
Fourth stanza, "cunningly is bothering me here
Fifth stanza, "old people give you time" like pay attention to this person? That seems so random..
Conclusion, I like the subject matter, maybe you could go humerous with it? As it is now, it feels a little scattered.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.