explaining displacement

[tectak]

Hi amanda,
Not without descriptive merit but overloaded with content to the extent that there is very little room to manoeuvre in this small cameo. I don't say this as a complainant, more as frustrated reader who, though happy to follow your thinking, finds that there are areas of the nuptial bed where you have stolen the duvet and I am left in the cold. Examples in the text.
Best,
tectak.

I came without you last night;
two fingers curled like parentheses between my thighs where I left you. Excellent veracity verse starter. You have set the scene in but a few words and are to be lauded. Where will it go...enticingly titillating.
& autumn became just as fleeting. IOh bugger. What happened? A period followed by an ampersand...not a good sign. We are not in a hurry so write "and" BUT why the period. Oh bugger. What happened? Why enjamb on "I"? It is illogical, unnecessary, halting and an affectation.
remember red as if it were currency;
borrowed from womanhood and the kiss that claimed us one. eg 1.As promised. Not sure of the syntax, here...or worse, you have made a mistake. What does "...and the kiss that claimed us one" mean.Seems senseless.

I remember how you fed me oranges
& I tongued the seeds while my fingers played in your hair. I This is an excellent line...but eg 2 you lose me with the enjambment and appear to lose yourself. I am in the cold, shut out because I just do not buy the "as if I were an eggshell" when I want you to say " as if I were brittle AS an eggshell, small and fragile, unable to stand the ("concrete"?) weight of your hands. It seems as if you are thinking past the moment to write the poem.  
crawled inside your analogy and made love to you as if I were an eggshell;
small and brittle, unable to stand the concrete weight of your hands.

I raise the hem of my skirt; When? eg3. When do/did you raise the hem. Where are we now in time and space? Tense trouble
my womb has gone back to war beneath ripe cotton. I Again, wonderfully suited line...but that affectation is now irritating. Even if you try to excuse the "I
(fall of a cliff) try to draw..." by reasoned argument--and I have heard them all--I still will not believe it is anything other than pseudo-poetic. Sorry
try to draw a line between us
& peel back the blisters of what you left inside of me;
the color of a thousand tight throated blossoms when it bleeds. Too many semicolons in this...by one

I bought oranges today
& picked dandelions to place on my breasts where your skin still covers me. I
smell of sandalwood and citrus-
I snuff out my cigarette in the fruits flesh and gnaw on the rind. Ditto to all the good things and all the not so good

As a piece of modern, open, liberated and accomplished writing it is going to be considered almost faultless by those who espouse modern, open, liberated writing. This crit is only nit picking the "accomplished" descriptor...and I found it tough. I thought the whole piece quite exceptional.
Best,
tectak

I have been thinking about this for several days. My usual reaction is to explain my word choices and give the backstory. Then I came to the realization, if it doesn't make sense to the reader without explanation, perhaps it needs to be reworked. I will defend my choice to enjamb on "I". I wanted it to be halting and keep the N removed,furthering the displacement.

Off to ponder I go.

Hi find,
I knew what your response to the "I" enjambment would be, but without appearing to bludgeon you with the blunt implement called "opinion", I made my complaint not because I could not "see" what you were doing but because I could not "hear" what you were doing. In other forums the cleverness of form is often roundly criticised even though the writer feels justified in whatever construction the stanzas take...it is the "I have been thinking about this for several days" scenario. I have read some of your other work and would not have the temerity to argue with you on your own ground, as writer to writer, but the idea of crit is to open up the writer to the reader's thinking, er, I think.
As I READ this I try to hear it in another voice, it is difficult but we can "think" anything we like, but when I fall of the cliff of the lingering "I" it does not make me pause because the isolation of the "I" word precipitates and requires what follows. You, the writer, may well pensively "hold" on "I" but the device is not distinctive enough, or even valid enough, to instill the same in the reader.
Even an old rule, "enjamb on the certainty of what come next", is broken in this piece. And "broken" is probably the mot juste.
In fairness, I am making much of nothing at all but to end a line with "I" gives me no prediction of the next word and that, as you would have me believe, is your purpose. To square the circle then, you have succeeded in making the "halt"...but now one must ask...why?
Best,
tectak