06-16-2015, 02:34 AM
Hey poppoetry
Alright, first off, I really like the title, maybe the simplicity? I don't know why..
The second stanza really threw me off since there was a pretty regular rhyme scheme throughout the rest of the poem.
In your eighth stanza, "it's not a game" the "it's" feels unnecessary to me, And I think it throws off the meter. Same goes with the eleventh stanza "too cause someone else's death" feels awkward to me.
In the sixteenth stanza "this they understood" also feels awkard, I think do to the "this".
I don't know if this even bears mentioning, but it feels to me like there are too many "this" in...this. Maybe a few too many "the" also.
I hope this was somehow helpful, I do like this, I think with a bit more concrete imagery, it would be nicer.
Alright, first off, I really like the title, maybe the simplicity? I don't know why..
The second stanza really threw me off since there was a pretty regular rhyme scheme throughout the rest of the poem.
In your eighth stanza, "it's not a game" the "it's" feels unnecessary to me, And I think it throws off the meter. Same goes with the eleventh stanza "too cause someone else's death" feels awkward to me.
In the sixteenth stanza "this they understood" also feels awkard, I think do to the "this".
I don't know if this even bears mentioning, but it feels to me like there are too many "this" in...this. Maybe a few too many "the" also.
I hope this was somehow helpful, I do like this, I think with a bit more concrete imagery, it would be nicer.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.