Mammals

[ellajam]

Hi, I'm having a hard time responding because I really enjoy this one with all its meter inconsistency. I don't want to give you bad advice if you are getting away with murder and I'm not experienced enough to know all the acceptable variations, I'm at the stage where I pretty much try to stick to the rules. What meter were you aiming for? Also, love the rhyme of betrothed and unclothed.

Hey guys. I originally posted this in the practice thread for sonnets. I don't generally write sonnets but I think it's important to have a grasp on as many forms as possible. I'm kinda bumping this to mild, not as much for crit on the poems content (as it's not my best), but more so I might be able to get an idea as to how I did with the form- meter, line breaks etc. Any form related observations would be helpful.
Thanks. 


Mammals 

 
I heard your prodigal pheromone song
centuries before you whispered your name.
I was drunk on it, and danced to it long                                 
into night, long before dawn ever came—
cutting in, to connect us formally.
A peripheral glimpse dubbed you betrothed;
not consulting with eyes that normally
want; want to see potential brides unclothed
of mystery— want and need to know now.
But even if I close my eyes and nose
and ears to shut your essence out somehow,
there’s something stuck in my stomach that knows:
when we were just mammals, mingling mildly
in another life, you loved me wildly.