06-13-2015, 06:45 AM
Greetings Fellow Poet:
Your meter is pretty well solid, after re reading "Fever Prayer" and the reviews on it. I find that the only thing it may need correcting is in the last stanza. It could flow a little better if it were like this:
You wrote:
the sun was my core and
my freckles constellations
until the light dissolved.
How would this sound?
the sun was in my core and so
my freckles constellations shone
until the light dissolved away.
Just a thought. Overall great read!
Thanks for sharing
Forestdawn
Your meter is pretty well solid, after re reading "Fever Prayer" and the reviews on it. I find that the only thing it may need correcting is in the last stanza. It could flow a little better if it were like this:
You wrote:
the sun was my core and
my freckles constellations
until the light dissolved.
How would this sound?
the sun was in my core and so
my freckles constellations shone
until the light dissolved away.
Just a thought. Overall great read!
Thanks for sharing
Forestdawn