06-13-2015, 05:06 AM
I enjoyed the light tone and mild cheesiness of the poem--it suits tinder and a first date on tinder so well! I concur with Billy's suggestion that working on meter would take this to the next level (love that suggested re-write, Billy!).
Beyond that, some lines were a little awkward for me because their meaning wasn't as clear as the rest:
-Your smile coaxed swipe right (this just doesn't quite make sense; maybe "Your smile coaxed, "swipe right" ? Or if you switch up the meter per Billy's suggestion, maybe "At your smile, I swiped right")
-Arrive in a lowered honda (I'm not sure who's arriving here, is this you or him?)
-Tight jeans vs. anaconda (the vs is throwing me off here...I'm not sure if you're trying to say that you wore tight jeans that got him aroused, or if you're saying his "anaconda" fought against his own tight jeans)
On first read, I loved the closing line, but after reading your later comments about how this man is now your fiance, it might be worthwhile to make a sudden change at the end. Something about a hookup turned lifelong love affair?
At any rate, I enjoyed this, and I hope you post a re-write!
Beyond that, some lines were a little awkward for me because their meaning wasn't as clear as the rest:
-Your smile coaxed swipe right (this just doesn't quite make sense; maybe "Your smile coaxed, "swipe right" ? Or if you switch up the meter per Billy's suggestion, maybe "At your smile, I swiped right")
-Arrive in a lowered honda (I'm not sure who's arriving here, is this you or him?)
-Tight jeans vs. anaconda (the vs is throwing me off here...I'm not sure if you're trying to say that you wore tight jeans that got him aroused, or if you're saying his "anaconda" fought against his own tight jeans)
On first read, I loved the closing line, but after reading your later comments about how this man is now your fiance, it might be worthwhile to make a sudden change at the end. Something about a hookup turned lifelong love affair?
At any rate, I enjoyed this, and I hope you post a re-write!