06-13-2015, 02:30 AM
I like the detached point of view--it's like you're a voyeur in someone else's painful world. Perhaps you're witnessing this all-too-common scene play out in public, or you've heard someone described too many times by too many different people.
If you want to work from that perspective and cultivate an omniscient or commentary sort positions I think it could work. Maybe with a line to conclude that makes some sort of broader implications about the condition?
In addition to the critiques about the pastoral metaphors, I'd say that switching up metaphors back to back can make them lose their punch. Maybe choose one, strong metaphor, or delve into an extended metaphor?
The lines that elicited me the most emotional reaction were "a blink, a cry, he's so alone" and "love surrounds, he's unaware." These lines were the most successful (to me) at creating an emotional connection with the man and his condition, so even if you change the lines, I hope you'll keep the messaging about loneliness/isolation.
If you want to work from that perspective and cultivate an omniscient or commentary sort positions I think it could work. Maybe with a line to conclude that makes some sort of broader implications about the condition?
In addition to the critiques about the pastoral metaphors, I'd say that switching up metaphors back to back can make them lose their punch. Maybe choose one, strong metaphor, or delve into an extended metaphor?
The lines that elicited me the most emotional reaction were "a blink, a cry, he's so alone" and "love surrounds, he's unaware." These lines were the most successful (to me) at creating an emotional connection with the man and his condition, so even if you change the lines, I hope you'll keep the messaging about loneliness/isolation.