Life of a day

[Alexearth]

Hi Alex, I was thinking about this poem whilst I was out walking and I've had a couple more thoughts mostly about the ending. At first I saw this as a metaphor for a human life so the comparison between a day and a lifespan of someone, I'm now not sure if this was your intention although in some ways it doesn't matter, but it has helped me to think about the end of the poem which really needs to end on 'death/silence' to be truly effective, therefore i think the last line is a distraction from this. It doesn't really add anything, and kind of leaves me wondering why the evening is 'somber'. I read elsewhere on this thread that you visualised "the end of the day as a slow death, fading into the dark red and blue of the evening", which you can still work in somehow but I really think that some kind of 'death/silence' needs to be the last line.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, ---- also you could have this as "climaxes before sunset" to trim it down even more
and dies
into the somber evening.

There are possibilities to keep in line with your "slow, fading death" idea. I don't want to try and rewrite your poem too much but something like 
climaxes before sunset,
fades with the twilight
until silence/death --- this is more just an idea of how to finish rather than an actual suggestion, because I don't want to suggest anything because it is your poem.
See what you think. I know that overall I've said a lot for the mild forum but I felt as though my first crit was only half a crit unless I came back and mentioned about the ending.
Cheers,
Mark

Hey Mark,

I have to be honest, I have trouble understanding why the "dies into the somber evening" part is such a complication, but that's probably just my lack of distance and perspective with the poem. Though the day dies, there is still something that continues afterwards in my opinion, so for me it is weird to finish on the death.

I was thinking of replacing "somber" by "abandoned" due to the disappearance of life (the chattering). I want the evening to be sad, somber, like the feeling of losing someone, the feeling of loneliness. I know this is hard by the minimalism of the poem.

Anyway I'm glad that there is so much feedback, I was thinking of putting this poem in the serious workshopping section.

Thanks again!


Alex

---

Shorter version

"it gets noisy and then less noisy"

OK...and?

I am being a bit snarky.  I am sorry.  I just don't know what the point is.

Well in my opinion the point of poetry is to describe ordinary and extraordinary scenes, ideas or feelings by using different literary techniques, such as style or rhythm, to help the reader understand what the author is experiencing and feeling. This is my definition and idea of the life of a day, although it being a simple and quotidian subject.

Thanks for your feedback,

Alex

You say "poetry is to describe", but there is very little that is described here.  It tells you where the "chattering" is and its volume, but nothing else.  There is no source of the sound, there is no specificity -- no setting.  I think you are hoping for each person to draw from their own understandings on the sound (of voices?) of a neighborhood, but I think that can be done with one line -- like: "Think of how the sounds of the day ebb and flow".  On these types of poems I want an image to be built, whether that image is aural or visual.

I understand what you are saying. It is true that I like to trigger the imagination of the readers. What's important in this poem for me is the view I have on the life of the day, the image I make of it. Who cares what the sources of the sounds are, its the whole impression that matters, and the comparison with growth and death.

thanks,

Alex