06-12-2015, 06:06 AM
I want to read the first stanzas like:
We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.
In a litany of root canals and laundry,
groceries and endless
soccer games,
you spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. I am not a fan of this stanza. I want more from it. I feel the disconnect that you weren't really listening and all you heard was mangoes and island, I get that, but it just feels "eh". Everything else is so good. Hmmm...maybe...
"you mention that place
you'd read about,
some island with mangoes
and sand between your toes
that you'd like to visit"
Mentioning versus speaking of give more of an 'in passing' feel? The rest is swoon worthy.
We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.
In a litany of root canals and laundry,
groceries and endless
soccer games,
you spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. I am not a fan of this stanza. I want more from it. I feel the disconnect that you weren't really listening and all you heard was mangoes and island, I get that, but it just feels "eh". Everything else is so good. Hmmm...maybe...
"you mention that place
you'd read about,
some island with mangoes
and sand between your toes
that you'd like to visit"
Mentioning versus speaking of give more of an 'in passing' feel? The rest is swoon worthy.
"Bees do have a smell, you know, and if they don't they should, for their feet are dusted with spices from a million flowers." -Bradbury