Observations of the Chief Medical Examiner (Revision 2)

[Mr. Creosote]

Revision 2: Thank you Chris.

Naked as a whisper,
like a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across her shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like being handed a nightmare 
test you forgot,  The poem seems to lose it's drama here...the nightmare seems too benign...is that because a scene like this is benign to a medical examiner?
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
realizing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turnedgreat line
feral, leaving tiny kisses 
on her skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands. There is a long history of equating the power of healing with a doctor's hands, there is a bit of irony in the fact that this doctor doesn't heal

~~~


Revision

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across the shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like with a nightmare test 
you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
noticing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving 
tiny kisses on the skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~


Original


Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.

Found behind the school
laid bare
like that nightmare test
you forgot
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving
tiny kisses on the skin
to be uncovered
by my hands.

It is well written, but I feel let down by the second stanza. There is drama in the first stanza that is lost and maybe that is the point (this is just another body in the long line of bodies that a medical examiner would see in a day). I guess if you are going to break with the first stanza and turn something that would be an exceptional experience to most of us into a common run of the mill "nightmare" then I would rather use a less dramatic word than nightmare.

Other than that, the imagery is great.