Observations of the Chief Medical Examiner (Revision 2)

[tectak]

Revision 2: Thank you Chris.
Hi todd,
Some nice touches in this one.Unusually and refreshingly the title helps more than hinders. Forgive me, but as this is in Serious I go all pedantic and am looking for nits. You have not made the task easy after this edit. However...
Naked as a whisper,
like a confession
you strain to catch— With this opening, a structured gambit, you seek to stir immediate interest. You succeed BUT more because of the duality of the structure than content. If that seems unfair I would ask you to read it out loud both ways...using natural pauses where you may, one day, decide to plonk a pause. So." Naked as a whisper, like a confession, you strain to catch." OR "Naked as a whisper, like a confession you strain to catch". Now of course, it is the enjambment after confession that irks. Though I "get" the meaning I have to work for it. The m dash only makes things worse because though you unequivocally define the simile in L1and L2, the dash distances what went before from what most certainly should be connected. It may be a subconscious use of "secrets" as an accidental link back to "whisper", it may be deliberate...and that is my problem. I just cannot tell. For me, not over enamoured of the single dash, I would reconsider it...particularly as you DO create another pause with the enjambment. One or the other but not both. I am loathe to suggest a semicolon after "catch" but for me the simple solution is usually best
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across her shoulders. Lurid and lovely

Caught unaware 
like being handed a nightmare 
test you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
realizing that you aren’t  Same issue as S1 on the "like" follow through, the sentence "runs on" and seems out of control. This time, though, it is the disconnected tense change and undefined conditionality of  the "realizing" word. I find myself waiting to hear what dawns with this "realisation". Even so, the encapsulated thought is quite excellent in its perspicacity. Envy.
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure What is "it"?
punctuated by flies punctuated exposure is tortuous. Hmmm.
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral, leaving  Excellent but precariously pedastalised by the bizarre cliff-fall enjambment.
tiny kisses on her skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~
...and that is it. Best I can do because you have left me nothing. Hope something is of use.
Best,
tectak

Revision

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across the shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like with a nightmare test 
you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
noticing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving 
tiny kisses on the skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~


Original


Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.

Found behind the school
laid bare
like that nightmare test
you forgot
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving
tiny kisses on the skin
to be uncovered
by my hands.