Soldier Down.

[poppoetry]

Thanks for that, I've tried to eliminate cliches as much as possible and maybe need to be more ruthless, I did struggle with the 'cause someone else's death' ok and will amend this as suggested, this poem has a serious side to it regarding conflict and those who who become directly involved but it's also easy and accessible so thanks for your comments.

Poppoetry.

You do a good job at creating a narrative throughout the piece and I thought that was well done. You still have quite a few cliches in here that took me out of "the moment" if you will (for example, "frozen in fear"). The rhythm starts out well with four syllables in the last line of each stanza and then you lose it. In the eleventh stanza, "to cause someone else's death." does not fit. Perhaps trim it down to "to cause a death"?