Hollow.

[Nyxx]

Thanks so much Todd! I love all the feedback, but feel free to let'er rip, no need to back off! I'm jumping back into writing poetry after an inexcusable hiatus, so I am rusty as hell!

I've been staring at this one for a week or so and couldn't figure what needed to change. I really enjoyed everything you had to say. The punctuation in the title was intentional I'm going to rework this and I'll post a revised version soon! Thanks again!

Hi Nyxx,

Let me give you a few comments to consider:

Yay! First poem on the forum! I just finished this, looking forward to hearing what you guys think!

I'm going to look to the title to inform the imagery and content. When you use a simple title like hollow it gives you the ability to push even more with the imagery. Hollow works fine for a title. I notice you added a period to the end of it that's an interesting choice, not often done. It makes you pause in your reading. Like you've made a statement that explains everything. I may be reading into the punctuation, but choices matter.

Hollow.
Where once there was sun—now, a black hole--So the relationship once was light and warmth and now its a gaping maw that nothing can escape from. You may want to extent this metaphor a bit more in its own strophe.
I am empty-bellied,
Suffocating.--While I get the sense of how a black hole (universal hollow) can work with empty-bellied. I don't get the sense of suffocating from it. Trying to pull the speaker back into something destructive from which no light escapes sure. Pressure yes, but not necessarily suffocating. In any event, I'd consider bringing suffocating up a line. It doesn't hold the line well on its own.
What’s left when you let go?--This might be more provocative as a statement: "I'm what's left when you let go."


[b]I realize this is a bit for the novice forum so let me back off a little. 
[/b]

Without your breath,
I’m merely flesh.
Hollowing, dissolving—Consider losing hollowing, the repetition doesn't add much.
becoming dust.

And you know, I swear we were happy.

I was enough.
At one point, when you looked at me,
It was love.

But darling, I don’t pray
And I certainly won’t start now.
Know I mean it when I say
That I hope you die alone.--That's the sort of ending line that I like. Imprecatory love poetry.

I hope some of that helps.  

Best,

Todd