06-10-2015, 10:34 AM
I think you really need to work on your flow. You seem to end lines only for the reason for a rhyme and when reading it I can't pick up any sense of rhythm (meter possibly? I'm a lyricist so my poetry terms may be off). You should also work on word choice. The first line stuck out with me because "this feel that I'm feeling" does not sound good. And while cliches do have their place (a well placed one can really hit home) there are far too many in your piece. However, don't give up! As you keep reading other's work and continue writing you will improve.