06-09-2015, 04:41 AM
[quote='Erthona' pid='192020' dateline='1433790369']
Pop,
This is fairly well covered territory, so it is going to be difficult to bring originality to it, although I do see a hint of it here.
This has basically four beats per line and at times approaches iambic tetrameter. There is rhyme, but it does not seem used to best purpose. Both of those halfway qualities tend to degrade the poem, rather than energize it as they should. The last two lines in particular it appears the rhyme is forced, as shown by the syntactical trickery. I agree with ellajam, only I would limit it to the first six lines, after that for me, it gets muddy. I think this because this should be an emotional poem, yet it comes across as emotional flat. Even shock has obvious characteristics. I think it will probably need that undertone to be effective, or as effective as one would want it to be.
I think you could possibly do something more with the title. Plus it seems as though you are rushing to get to the finish line where you get to say "terrible day." Each line needs to be important and crafted just as well as any other. Don't be so quick to take the easy way out.
Best,
Dale
Thanks for that, on the originality front can I say it's 100% original to me and is my original work so I'm satisfied on that score.
I'm delighted you think it could possibly stand on its own with the first 6-8 lines or maybe that's as good as it gets and I see that as progress for my writing, I accept what you say about rushing to the end and I did
Focus more on the finish than the journey itself so that's a very valid critique, I'm very inexperienced in terms of rhythm but from now on will treat each line with more care and consideration, I'm learning and learning here and thanks for the time spent on my work,
poppoetry
Pop,
This is fairly well covered territory, so it is going to be difficult to bring originality to it, although I do see a hint of it here.
This has basically four beats per line and at times approaches iambic tetrameter. There is rhyme, but it does not seem used to best purpose. Both of those halfway qualities tend to degrade the poem, rather than energize it as they should. The last two lines in particular it appears the rhyme is forced, as shown by the syntactical trickery. I agree with ellajam, only I would limit it to the first six lines, after that for me, it gets muddy. I think this because this should be an emotional poem, yet it comes across as emotional flat. Even shock has obvious characteristics. I think it will probably need that undertone to be effective, or as effective as one would want it to be.
I think you could possibly do something more with the title. Plus it seems as though you are rushing to get to the finish line where you get to say "terrible day." Each line needs to be important and crafted just as well as any other. Don't be so quick to take the easy way out.
Best,
Dale
Thanks for that, on the originality front can I say it's 100% original to me and is my original work so I'm satisfied on that score.
I'm delighted you think it could possibly stand on its own with the first 6-8 lines or maybe that's as good as it gets and I see that as progress for my writing, I accept what you say about rushing to the end and I did
Focus more on the finish than the journey itself so that's a very valid critique, I'm very inexperienced in terms of rhythm but from now on will treat each line with more care and consideration, I'm learning and learning here and thanks for the time spent on my work,
poppoetry