06-09-2015, 04:06 AM
Pop,
This is fairly well covered territory, so it is going to be difficult to bring originality to it, although I do see a hint of it here.
This has basically four beats per line and at times approaches iambic tetrameter. There is rhyme, but it does not seem used to best purpose. Both of those halfway qualities tend to degrade the poem, rather than energize it as they should. The last two lines in particular it appears the rhyme is forced, as shown by the syntactical trickery. I agree with ellajam, only I would limit it to the first six lines, after that for me, it gets muddy. I think this because this should be an emotional poem, yet it comes across as emotional flat. Even shock has obvious characteristics. I think it will probably need that undertone to be effective, or as effective as one would want it to be.
I think you could possibly do something more with the title. Plus it seems as though you are rushing to get to the finish line where you get to say "terrible day." Each line needs to be important and crafted just as well as any other. Don't be so quick to take the easy way out.
Best,
Dale
This is fairly well covered territory, so it is going to be difficult to bring originality to it, although I do see a hint of it here.
This has basically four beats per line and at times approaches iambic tetrameter. There is rhyme, but it does not seem used to best purpose. Both of those halfway qualities tend to degrade the poem, rather than energize it as they should. The last two lines in particular it appears the rhyme is forced, as shown by the syntactical trickery. I agree with ellajam, only I would limit it to the first six lines, after that for me, it gets muddy. I think this because this should be an emotional poem, yet it comes across as emotional flat. Even shock has obvious characteristics. I think it will probably need that undertone to be effective, or as effective as one would want it to be.
I think you could possibly do something more with the title. Plus it seems as though you are rushing to get to the finish line where you get to say "terrible day." Each line needs to be important and crafted just as well as any other. Don't be so quick to take the easy way out.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.