06-09-2015, 01:39 AM
Personally I prefer "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" (2010 movie). Why is there a period after your title?
I suppose one could say this is written in accentual verse, where only the accents are counted. Example
There's nuns with guns, they're ready to fight,
Fight till we all see the light,
They'll fight for the right for priests and their chums
To help themselves to choirboy's bums.
Of course there are several time you fall off this four accented line. Such as this line that has five accents.
"To have her kid ripped away and given to another."
Using rhyming couplets with a poem this long becomes like a ball peen hammer to the temple. Not really a prudent choice.
Overall it doesn't really matter that this is ambiguous, it is still sophomoric, driven as it is more by the rhyme (as can be seen by the forced rhymes) than by a cohesive thought. It's like one says, I shall make a soup, but then pays little heed to the ingredients, just grabbing whatever is close to hand. As one would expect with the outcome of the soup, so to is the poem.
I dislike not being able to find anything positive to say. I guess on a remedial level you are capable of writing a sentence, with minor exceptions: "There's nuns with guns" plural singular disagreement. Should be "there are" not "there is". You can rhyme well enough and generally hold to an accentual line. All good, there are many who cannot accomplish that. I like your effort and I am sure you had fun with the rhymes. I write because I feel compelled, but also because I enjoy it. It is always good to get enjoyment from your writing, even if no one else does (I've experienced that a lot
).
Anyway, this is much too long of a critique for this forum, so please feel free to ignore any and all of it if you wish.
Best,
Dale
I suppose one could say this is written in accentual verse, where only the accents are counted. Example
There's nuns with guns, they're ready to fight,
Fight till we all see the light,
They'll fight for the right for priests and their chums
To help themselves to choirboy's bums.
Of course there are several time you fall off this four accented line. Such as this line that has five accents.
"To have her kid ripped away and given to another."
Using rhyming couplets with a poem this long becomes like a ball peen hammer to the temple. Not really a prudent choice.
Overall it doesn't really matter that this is ambiguous, it is still sophomoric, driven as it is more by the rhyme (as can be seen by the forced rhymes) than by a cohesive thought. It's like one says, I shall make a soup, but then pays little heed to the ingredients, just grabbing whatever is close to hand. As one would expect with the outcome of the soup, so to is the poem.
I dislike not being able to find anything positive to say. I guess on a remedial level you are capable of writing a sentence, with minor exceptions: "There's nuns with guns" plural singular disagreement. Should be "there are" not "there is". You can rhyme well enough and generally hold to an accentual line. All good, there are many who cannot accomplish that. I like your effort and I am sure you had fun with the rhymes. I write because I feel compelled, but also because I enjoy it. It is always good to get enjoyment from your writing, even if no one else does (I've experienced that a lot
). Anyway, this is much too long of a critique for this forum, so please feel free to ignore any and all of it if you wish.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.