Fever Prayer

[billy]

in general meter is meter, if you don't have a constant one i can't see it as being true meter. that said. there's always exception to any rule [probably] including meter. the last two create a problem for being to heavy word-wise. if you're going to discard meter it shouldn't matter removing an odd syllable. i have to be totally honest and say i'm struggling to get into it. i see a native american kind of feel to it but as i say, i'm struggling to make it work

I don't really deal in meter all that much; it usually just gives me headaches. But I decided to challenge myself with this one. Definitely I think the meter needs polishing, and also comment on the efficacy of the metric aside in the last two stanzas if your so inclined.

Fever Prayer

I danced around the fringes of the [of] where it is feels forced for the meter
depression in the road; I sailed. it reads awkwardly for me. would [depressions] add anything?
My soul spun in a circle dance,
the moon's cadenza twirl.

The trees across the road were turned
a centrifugal way.

Cold spheres condensed into my palms
and chest; old pewter globes that I
would pull towards my heart so I
might faster whirl in step.

The whisper cracks in asphalt spun two spuns is too much spunning
kaleidoscopically.

Astrology dissatisfies,
                      but still...

the sun was my core and
my freckles constellations,
until the light dissolved.