06-08-2015, 06:25 AM
Thanks for reading and commenting guys.
Dale: I think you're right about the last lines, I'll make the change tonight (writing this from my phone).
Tectak: I might change it to in a shell, I'll think on it a little more. I agree smell doesn't really fit with everything else, but I think what I'm trying to say is clearer that way (why do I know it so well & why am I buying it?).
Pop: thanks for reading, I would sort of call this poem "pop poetry", so your name made me smile. I know what you mean about those words perhaps being unnecessary, but this was written in iambic metre and they're needed to keep the meter. I might be able to change them somehow though.
I might be sad: I'm fairly certain I had the meter right, with every line having four feet but the last ones, with 5. I will change the last lines to make them all have 4. I agree about the 4th line in the second stanza. I think the 4th lines in each stanza are the weakest parts of the poem (they just sort of explain the preceding metaphors with no new imagery or ideas). I'll do some thinking on those.
Dale: I think you're right about the last lines, I'll make the change tonight (writing this from my phone).
Tectak: I might change it to in a shell, I'll think on it a little more. I agree smell doesn't really fit with everything else, but I think what I'm trying to say is clearer that way (why do I know it so well & why am I buying it?).
Pop: thanks for reading, I would sort of call this poem "pop poetry", so your name made me smile. I know what you mean about those words perhaps being unnecessary, but this was written in iambic metre and they're needed to keep the meter. I might be able to change them somehow though.
I might be sad: I'm fairly certain I had the meter right, with every line having four feet but the last ones, with 5. I will change the last lines to make them all have 4. I agree about the 4th line in the second stanza. I think the 4th lines in each stanza are the weakest parts of the poem (they just sort of explain the preceding metaphors with no new imagery or ideas). I'll do some thinking on those.