06-07-2015, 01:29 PM
Hello three name girl,
The first thing that catches the eye (if you're going to, so will I), is the first two lines are written in meter. L1 iambic tetrameter, L2 iambic trimeter.
It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
This sets a pattern with the expectation that it will continue. Unfortunately it does not.
Sporting a shit eating grin two feet of dactyl with a half foot at the end.
and a Rodin sculpted chin. one foot of anapest, two feet of trochee and a half foot at the end.
Basically, it is all over the place. Not to mention that L 1,2,3 are all cliche.
L1 "It was a (fill in the blank) night.
L2 "when you first caught my sight." Although you have changed the order, it does not save it from referencing the original cliche. Maybe if it were the only one it could get by, but not wedge in between two other cliches.
L3 "Sporting a shit eating grin" I think this one needs no comment.
Your smile coaxed swipe right. I have no idea what this means, seems there for the rhyme. Do you mean penis? ** see below
My future muscle bound knight. Cliche
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer. Line 4 does not logically follow from L3.
Arrive in a lowered Honda. No you didn't. nothing in the poem supports that
Tight jeans vs Anaconda. Too Nicki Mirage
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft. Why is it that I have the idea that this was the first line that saw light and the rest of the poem was simply a vehicle so there was somewhere to house it?
_________________________________________________________________________
**From Urban Dictionary:
Swipe
A Pacific Hills term that referred it as a Penis but most of the time it meant large Penis.
" Damn Yo..YOU GOT NO SWIPE"
" Hey don't blame me if you got no swipe"
________________________________________________________________________
I apologize as this is a bit too much for a novice critique, but it just seemed it would be incomplete if I didn't follow it through so it showed the over all problem. Should you feel this is too harsh of a critique (although that was not my intent) feel free to brutalize one of my poems. I might suggest "Heels" as it doesn't have a leg to stand on
Best,
Dale
The first thing that catches the eye (if you're going to, so will I), is the first two lines are written in meter. L1 iambic tetrameter, L2 iambic trimeter.
It was a lonely Wednesday night
when you first caught my sight.
This sets a pattern with the expectation that it will continue. Unfortunately it does not.
Sporting a shit eating grin two feet of dactyl with a half foot at the end.
and a Rodin sculpted chin. one foot of anapest, two feet of trochee and a half foot at the end.
Basically, it is all over the place. Not to mention that L 1,2,3 are all cliche.
L1 "It was a (fill in the blank) night.
L2 "when you first caught my sight." Although you have changed the order, it does not save it from referencing the original cliche. Maybe if it were the only one it could get by, but not wedge in between two other cliches.
L3 "Sporting a shit eating grin" I think this one needs no comment.
Your smile coaxed swipe right. I have no idea what this means, seems there for the rhyme. Do you mean penis? ** see below
My future muscle bound knight. Cliche
“We should get a beer.”
My shirt is only slightly sheer. Line 4 does not logically follow from L3.
Arrive in a lowered Honda. No you didn't. nothing in the poem supports that
Tight jeans vs Anaconda. Too Nicki Mirage
I’m glad I didn't swipe left.
First date turned pantie theft. Why is it that I have the idea that this was the first line that saw light and the rest of the poem was simply a vehicle so there was somewhere to house it?
_________________________________________________________________________
**From Urban Dictionary:
Swipe
A Pacific Hills term that referred it as a Penis but most of the time it meant large Penis.
" Damn Yo..YOU GOT NO SWIPE"
" Hey don't blame me if you got no swipe"
________________________________________________________________________
I apologize as this is a bit too much for a novice critique, but it just seemed it would be incomplete if I didn't follow it through so it showed the over all problem. Should you feel this is too harsh of a critique (although that was not my intent) feel free to brutalize one of my poems. I might suggest "Heels" as it doesn't have a leg to stand on
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.