06-07-2015, 07:13 AM
Well, I haven't been able to post my first yet, but this raised the bar. Oof! This is such a rad poem. After the last line, I practically threw my hands up and screamed "YAAASS!" (But I'm at a coffee shop and that's hardly acceptable behavior here.)
SO! My thoughts:
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage, I like the idea of yellowing skin and yellow (blonde) hair. However, this line needs to be revisited.
cold furrow burrowed in his brow. This line is great!
Driving a Hummer, the midst of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. This line too. I know what you're trying to say, but you could say it better.
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget I agree, "wet" could go.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase,
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies, ripe for the lead. I just wanted that comma. Let me have it. Haha
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
hear god through the staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.” Entire stanza is great!
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, I prefer red towel to duct tape, but you gotta pick one.
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” I'm fine with this. It's more of a visual element for me.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.
[/quote]
SO! My thoughts:
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage, I like the idea of yellowing skin and yellow (blonde) hair. However, this line needs to be revisited.
cold furrow burrowed in his brow. This line is great!
Driving a Hummer, the midst of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. This line too. I know what you're trying to say, but you could say it better.
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget I agree, "wet" could go.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase,
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies, ripe for the lead. I just wanted that comma. Let me have it. Haha
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
hear god through the staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.” Entire stanza is great!
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, I prefer red towel to duct tape, but you gotta pick one.
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” I'm fine with this. It's more of a visual element for me.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.
[/quote]