06-07-2015, 12:01 AM
(05-28-2015, 07:00 AM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage, <---i dunno...something about this line doesn't jive. i think its the b's. i might reword so its not too alliterative.
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow.<--hemorrAGE and mirAGE are to close to be next to each other, i think.
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase,
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face. <--nice surprise image here
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through (the?)staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, <--before it was duct tape...clear that up.
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.”<--this gets to the point where i just skip to the next stanza. I would shorten the hhmmhmhmhpp's or add more sounds to the mix, as if she's actually trying to say words.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.<--WOAH. OKIE DOKIE THEN. SURPRISE MUCH? haha i really like this ending. nice job.
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.