Masturbation - Edit
#5
(06-06-2015, 11:57 AM)Wjames Wrote:  I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.<--this last line just doesn't flow right for me...i might think about "another night spent all alone" or its just another night alone". Make the syllables match

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,<--fireplace has too many syllables...somehow get one out of this line.
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,<--i might think about rewording this...i works, but it could work better
it’s just another night spent all alone.<--whatever you decide to do above, do it with this line too. Make them match.
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
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Messages In This Thread
Masturbation - Edit - by Wjames - 06-06-2015, 11:57 AM
RE: Masturbation - by Erthona - 06-06-2015, 02:02 PM
RE: Masturbation - by tectak - 06-06-2015, 08:50 PM
RE: Masturbation - by poppoetry - 06-06-2015, 11:07 PM
RE: Masturbation - by i.might.be.a.bit.sad - 06-06-2015, 11:54 PM
RE: Masturbation - by Wjames - 06-08-2015, 06:25 AM
RE: Masturbation - by billy - 06-08-2015, 05:48 PM
RE: Masturbation - Edit - by Wjames - 07-18-2015, 03:58 AM
RE: Masturbation - Edit - by ellajam - 07-18-2015, 05:12 AM
RE: Masturbation - Edit - by Wjames - 07-22-2015, 05:08 AM
RE: Masturbation - Edit - by tectak - 07-29-2015, 07:17 AM



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