The Ranch Fence (re-write of The Fence)

[onepapa]

Wow, really strong work, both in the original and the re-write. Are you planning on keeping the original as a piece, or do you think you've revised it away? Either way, some comments.

Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline. -I like discipline, but I feel like this line can do more. It falls a little flat for me, mostly because it awkwardly contrasts the withering nature of the previous line.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. -really nice parallelism w/ discipline.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. -you mix your tenses a bit in this stanza, overall really strong though.

I hope I'm not overstepping when I suggest this, and please feel free to ignore me, but I think the original has a really powerful stanza that you could include between these two:

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

My fingers like broken sticks from -broken sticks is a bit weak here
stretching glistening barbed wire and
hammering the fastening staples,
fixing the wire in perfect lines.

My Grandson suggests electronic collars -HA!
can tell cattle the boundary.
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. -This ending is really strong as is, and I almost don't want to suggest it, but if you do take my other suggestion, some form of parallel structure might be nice here:

"Build it well," I say,
"and it will last longer than we will."

Outside of some minor nitpicks, I think you have a really really strong piece, and I hope you're not offended that I took so many libertys in my suggestions. It may have been a little much, but I thought it would look good, so I suggested it anyways :p

-Em

Em,

I am never offended by criticism or suggestions and I will make good use of your comments in the edit. I post of this web site because I get thoughtful feedback and my work is greatly improved with the workshop. Thank you very much.

onepapa