1st poem here: 'Precious Time'.

[Todd]

Hi Poppoetry, welcome to the site! Don't be kind, be truthful--all right. That's mostly our default position here. We don't attempt to be jerks but we focus on the poem not the poet, and try to help them make it better.

Here are a few comments for you.

here is my first posting, I wrote this in February 2015, i love this poem myself but I'm sure it has huge flaws, my poetry comes from my head onto the page and thats it, i don't edit or change it much just put it down, ctitique is so much appreciated as I don't show my poems to anyone, good or bad I'll learn loads and look forward to it. Thanks and don't be kind, be truthful.

37*.  Precious Time. -- I assume this is your 37th poem not a comment on being 37 and the title is Precious Time. The title could use some work. Precious doesn't add much and it makes the reader expect a hallmark card. I would encourage you to stretch yourself a bit and dig deeper for your title.


I think what would improve this poem the most would be to go through it and eliminate every modifier (adjective/adverb) and replace them with say two lines each of a clean simple image.

Flow of a stream
a trickle,
Tender and soft,
Constant.--so, show me a stream that carries the soft, tender, constant qualities you are looking for without telling me that the stream has those qualities. Most of my comments will be centered on this one point.

Moss on trees,--an image you can develop
beautiful fern leaves.--beautiful is vague and adds nothing. What specific characteristic gives the leaves beauty. Highlight that characteristic with a cleanly rendered image and not a modifier.
Nature's fragrance.
So fresh So clean.--Choose a specific smell build it into the image

On the moist ground,--Moist is one of your few modifiers I don't hate. It tells me something beautiful above can't. It's more sensory.
insects about.--You were probably meaning abound here not about. This still doesn't say much.
Lives acting out,
For survival.

The early morning call,
Birdsong at dawn,
Dew on the ground,
The day rises.--This strophe is one of your better ones because it deals with concrete specific things. It's less vague.

Later at noon,
A path we hew,
continue on,
to our day's reward.

We'll stay a while,
Enjoy this time,
Place filled with sounds,--sounds, choose some that are specific.
Nature's around.

To get away,
Spend the day,
Time spent here,
So precious.--Again this is a shorthand ending. You need your conclusions to have more punch than this.


Copyright poppoetry.

I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you. If you look to work more with nouns and verbs and less with adjectives and adverbs, and if you make more specific choices  I think you can improve this poem dramatically.

Best,

Todd