06-06-2015, 03:46 AM
Hello PsychicMice,
Welcome to the site! I don't do gentle very well, but let me try to give you some feedback that might help. There are moments in this poem where you are clearly strangling the meaning to make a rhyme work. Line 1/Line 2, Line 3/Line 4. You have a few areas in stanza 2 where you're trying to rhyme plural words with singular words and it isn't working well. Then in the last stanza you switch to a new rhyme scheme entirely. So, there are issues. The biggest one you should look at probably is to focus on what you're trying to convey without rhyming, write it out, and then see if you can say it with rhyme in an unforced way.
Again good luck with it.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the site! I don't do gentle very well, but let me try to give you some feedback that might help. There are moments in this poem where you are clearly strangling the meaning to make a rhyme work. Line 1/Line 2, Line 3/Line 4. You have a few areas in stanza 2 where you're trying to rhyme plural words with singular words and it isn't working well. Then in the last stanza you switch to a new rhyme scheme entirely. So, there are issues. The biggest one you should look at probably is to focus on what you're trying to convey without rhyming, write it out, and then see if you can say it with rhyme in an unforced way.
Again good luck with it.
Best,
Todd
(06-05-2015, 12:50 PM)PsychicMice Wrote: Man has a gift unique to only him
his pride, his joy, and hefty skill of hymn.
May a man called civil be acquit,
by glove of king his hand cruelly fit.
For mans' ego should surely have no bounds
contested by no species he's yet found.
wherefore his modesty damned by brothers,
man must believe he outgrows his mother.
Perhaps we will be forever throned,
our lives a pause among this grand empire.
By our just doom we evermore postpone,
our corpse addage to one vicious pyre.
My country's home company to the stars
In my life confined, stole safe so far
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson