06-06-2015, 02:40 AM
Hi! I enjoyed reading this poem, as I thought that some of the stanzas, particularly the first, seemed carefully and thoughtfully crafted. There are a few areas of improvement though.
First, there are a number of rhyming couplets that feel forced and as such immediately alienate the reader, for example:
"Place filled with sounds,
Nature's around."
This couplet breaks the otherwise quirky (and that's definitely a good thing in this context) flow that the poem has by not rhyming. As a result, it feels to me like it's been inserted to serve only as an example of rhyme, which this poem works well without. Also, with lines as short as those, every word needs to count towards building up a picture for the reader or alluding to the message of the poem. This does neither. I think that some imagery or other figurative language would work better.
Secondly, there are one or two points where the punctuation is off. "So fresh So clean" was the obvious choice example for this point. The two clauses should be joined with a comma or separated with a full stop.
Other than that, I think this poem has a lot of potential. Some of the stanzas, such as the fourth, don't need any alterations.
First, there are a number of rhyming couplets that feel forced and as such immediately alienate the reader, for example:
"Place filled with sounds,
Nature's around."
This couplet breaks the otherwise quirky (and that's definitely a good thing in this context) flow that the poem has by not rhyming. As a result, it feels to me like it's been inserted to serve only as an example of rhyme, which this poem works well without. Also, with lines as short as those, every word needs to count towards building up a picture for the reader or alluding to the message of the poem. This does neither. I think that some imagery or other figurative language would work better.
Secondly, there are one or two points where the punctuation is off. "So fresh So clean" was the obvious choice example for this point. The two clauses should be joined with a comma or separated with a full stop.
Other than that, I think this poem has a lot of potential. Some of the stanzas, such as the fourth, don't need any alterations.